January Issue # 11

In This Issue

1. Rhonda's New Book, "The Dating Cure"
2. Ambivalent Male Character of 2004
3. Feature article: Your Valentine is an Ambivalent Man! How to Deal!
4. New York Support Group
5. Workshop in Atlanta Georgia
6. Speaking engagements
7. Rhonda's Bad Boy Movie Pic

1. The Dating Cure

I am happy to announce that I have written another book coming out July 2005. The title of the new book is "The Dating Cure." Some of the topics I cover in this book are: how women sabotage their relationships with men; how long a women should wait to have sex with a man she's dating; why is a good man hard to find; holding out for chemistry vs. settling. I also have a round table of men who give their opinions on many of the man/women/dating issues women struggle with and often ask me about.

2. Ambivalent Male Character of 2004

Jude Law in 'Closer' is voted most Ambivalent Male Character of 2004.
1. Jude Law in 'Closer'
2. Daniel Cleaver in 'Bridget Jones 2'
3. Thomas Haden Church in 'Sideways'
4. Jude Law in 'Alfie'
5. Jack Nicolson in 'Somethings Gotta Give'

The list was determined by a poll taken from the posters on my website's message board. I'd like to thank the women who participated.

3. Feature article: Your Valentine is an Ambivalent Man! How to Deal!

When February 14th arrives, if your Valentine is an Ambivalent Man, here are 10 suggested ways to relate and help you deal better.

1: Don't be Clingy
Clinging to an Ambivalent Man will definitely make him run for the hills. When he starts acting ambivalent, your first instinct will be to cling to him, but don't do it! If you feel needy, be sure to turn to your support system. You'll have to work on being emotionally separate from him and his issues. You'll have to stop yourself from getting caught up in his projections and acting out. This may be difficult but if an Ambivalent Man is what you want, you just have to be more self-disciplined and learn how to contain your feelings. You could also try psychotherapy to help you process your anxiety and feelings during this time.
It's important to keep in mind that everyone gets anxious when beginning a new relationship, even if the object of your desire is not an Ambivalent Man. This is because you're getting close and vulnerable to someone who could possibly hurt or reject you. Even though dating can be fun and exciting the beginning is stressful.
Here's what you need to do if you feel the urge to cling:

" Get in touch with the feelings his behavior is bringing up in you. What emotion or memory is being triggered? Why are you upset? Try to work through the feelings by yourself or with your support system. Just don't work them out with your Ambivalent Man.
" Distract yourself.
" Do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
" Date other men. You're better off seeing more than one man until your Ambivalent Man is less ambivalent and ready for an exclusive relationship.
" Work through your feelings by being creative (paint, write, dance, play a musical instrument).
" Do something physical (walk, work out, play tennis).
" Focus on soothing yourself.
" Do whatever it takes not to focus on him.
" Get a manicure, pedicure, or facial.

2: Stop the Drama
Don't act dramatic with your Ambivalent Man because it won't change him and it certainly won't make him act any less ambivalent. If he provokes you by distancing or acting ambivalent, stop yourself if you start to pull "a scene" to express your feelings or get his attention.
If you're a drama junkie you'll have to kick your addiction because it won't work with the Ambivalent Man!! Dramatic scenes will only scare away Ambivalent Men with Possibilities. Melodrama will only stir up a lot of emotions that will ultimately provoke his ambivalence and distancing, causing you to cling. So don't even get the cycle going. Process your feelings with your support system and contain your feelings of desperation no matter how powerful they are. The most important thing to remember is, contain, contain, contain!

3: Understand his Past
Don't be afraid to ask your Ambivalent Man questions. Learn more about him. Knowing and understanding his issues from his past (traumas in childhood and so forth) will help you to tolerate his ambivalent behavior without it taking large a toll on your sense of self. However, when he does give you information about himself do not psychoanalyze him! You can dissect his psyche with your friends, a therapist, or by yourself but not with your Ambivalent Man. If you do analyze him too much he will feel intruded upon, emotionally violated, and may get angry with you.
Learning more about your Ambivalent Man's background will also help you not to personalize all of his actions. The more information you know about him the more you will come to understand how much his ambivalent behavior is really about him and not you. Although there's nothing wrong with wanting to know more about a man your trying to build a relationship with, it helps if you can develop the skill of exploring his past without seeming intrusive.

4 Set Limits and Boundaries
A boundary marks the difference between you and another person. The key to your boundaries is knowing your inner life, which includes your thoughts, feelings, choices, and needs. Boundaries tell us which behaviors are appropriate and inappropriate in a relationship. Since you're working so hard on strengthening your sense of self, it's important to figure out what are important boundaries for you in a relationship. Then you can set boundaries and limits with your Ambivalent Man. Once these boundaries are set, it is of paramount importance that you see whether or not your Ambivalent Man can honor your boundaries.
When someone acts inappropriately in a relationship by not following your set boundary, that person is violating your boundary. For instance, you tell him he can't stand you up and he stands you up. That is a boundary violation. Boundary violations can be fixed right away if the he apologizes or expresses concern about his behavior. If your Ambivalent Man gets angry or dismisses you when you confront him about his boundary violation, you have a major problem. If he cannot honor and respect your boundaries it's just about impossible to have a healthy relationship with him. If you continue to see a man who doesn't respect your boundaries, you're displaying zero self-esteem or self-love. He'll treat you as if you were a pushover and will walk all over you. Essentially, you'll be in a relationship with a man who's not into the real you and your real needs.
Practice telling your Ambivalent Man your boundaries by rehearsing with someone in your support system. Be firm but gentle. Don't sound too harsh, critical, or attacking. But stick to the boundaries you set, make sure you enforce them, and don't back down.
Caution: While doing this important boundary work, also be careful that you don't violate his boundaries as well. You can't expect him to honor your boundaries when you're stepping all over his!

5: Don't Discuss Your Feelings of Love and Infatuation with Him
In the beginning you're better off expressing feelings of love for your Ambivalent Man with people in your support system rather than with the Ambivalent Man himself. He will not be able to tolerate your feelings of love and infatuation because it's too charged and scary for him. It will bring up his own longings, which he may not want to be in touch with. He may also feel obligated to share his own feelings, causing him to feel locked in and to distance from you as a result. It's best to wait for him to declare his love first. Even then, be careful. You still may be skating on thin ice. Wait until you have a more established relationship, you consider yourselves a couple, and his ambivalence has noticeably lessened.

6: Let Him Initiate
Let him suggest dates, getting together, calling, or e-mailing. You can't force his feelings for you no matter how many rules and programs you implement. If his feelings of desire for you just aren't strong enough, all your work and pursuit will be a washout no matter how hard you try or how patient you are. No matter how strong the urge is, it's better not to be the initiator.
It's fine to be assertive and go after you want with men who are not ambivalent. When you first meet a man you're attracted to, go ahead and make the first move. However, with Ambivalent Men you have to be more careful. An Ambivalent Man needs to feel his longing for you. When you initiate, he can't fantasize about you because you're so available. It's important to keep in mind that if he's really into you and wants to see you, he will continue to hang in there without your prompting, regardless of his ambivalence. Even if he runs away or distances he will come back if his interest is strong enough.
If you don't initiate you'll get to see what he does when he doesn't get any prompts or reminders from you. If he doesn't want to get together or call you on his own, then you must face the reality that he's just not that interested. Even if this hurts, you must face this truth so you can strongly consider letting him go and moving on.

7: Balance Being Emotionally Separate with Being Available
Striking a balance between being emotionally separate and being available is a challenging task but totally doable. Keep some part of yourself completely off limits to him. Yes, I'm saying be mysterious in a way, but unfortunately that's how people fall in love. You're probably the same way. If a man you adored was in your face 24/7 pushing the relationship down your throat, do you really think you could fall in love with him? Isn't it his distancing and having that small, off-limits, emotional space that keeps you intrigued and makes you want him more? So keep a part of yourself emotionally separate. Do not always focus on him and the relationship.
Here are some suggestions to help you stay emotionally separate:

" Don't express all of your feelings to him at once. Take it slow.
" Don't tell him everything about yourself right away. Hold some of yourself back. This is not game playing or playing hard to get. It's just taking care of yourself so you don't make yourself too vulnerable and then get hurt.
" Continue dating other men until he wants to make a commitment.
" Stay focused on other things besides him. Don't give up your friends, hobbies, or activities to make room for him in your life.
" Don't let yourself get so preoccupied with him that you can't accomplish your daily tasks and goals.
" Keep in mind that he may not come through for you; keep your options open.
" Do whatever it takes not to think about him all the time.

Although it may sound like a contradiction, you must also work on keeping yourself available both physically and emotionally. This doesn't mean sacrificing yourself-it just means being open to a situation. When he asks you out and you dig the guy, go out with him. Don't purposely play hard to get. The only men who like being rejected and put off are men who are masochistic and have very low self-esteem.
If you turn men down for dates or don't return their phone calls, most men will get frustrated and stop calling. They'll just disappear. Then you'll be wondering what happened and why it didn't work out. Make yourself available to dates you feel good about, like going out to social events, restaurants, parties, movies, plays-any kind of get-together that supports the development and growth of a relationship. Do not play into impulsive encounters on his part so he can get sexually gratified.

8: Get Him in Touch with His Feelings
Be totally emotionally present when he's talking to you. Pay absolute attention. This kind of active listening will help him feel safe and loved. It's the very attention he either had or yearned for when he was a little boy. He will experience a safety, which will help him connect with his feelings. When he does get in touch with his emotions, do not make fun of him, analyze him, criticize him, or attack him in any way. He will get defensive and immediately disconnect. You have no control over what he does after he gets in touch with his feelings. You can only hope for the best at that point. So remember:

" Reflect what you hear him saying so he feels heard.
" Don't switch the subject back to you when you're listening to him.
" Show true compassion and empathy.
" Work on increasing your listening skills.
" Try not to give advice unless he specifically asks for it.
" Ask him questions, but don't be intrusive.
" Don't cut him off when he's talking.
" Try not to bring everything he says back to "the relationship."
" Don't psychoanalyze him. However, if you do see a connection between something he's talking about and a psychological issue he's mentioned, you can gently let him know your observation. However, try to do this without being intrusive.

9: Start Confronting His Ambivalence When You See It's Sabotaging the Relationship
If you're dating steadily more than twice a week and see that you're headed toward a committed, exclusive relationship, you can start gently confronting him about his ambivalence. You can do this by telling him how you feel about his behavior. Always talk about your experience resulting from his behavior so he can't say that it's not true because it's your truth. It's your reality. He can't argue that you don't feel what you feel.
For instance, he takes you out and starts acting cold and distant to you. You can tell him: "I feel hurt you when you act cold and distant." If he's responsive to your needs and feelings you can go a step further and ask him why he thinks he acts cold and distant. If he has the capacity for insight he may actually become aware of his own feelings and not only change the way he behaves with you but possibly even feel better! The five no-no's when confronting an Ambivalent Man are . . .

1. Don't attack him.
2. Don't criticize him.
3. Don't analyze him.
4. Don't ridicule him.
5. Don't make fun of him.

10: See If You Can Get Him into Therapy
If you can get him into therapy it will help a lot. He will have more insight into himself and will feel his ambivalence rather than act it out. You can make this suggestion only if you're in therapy yourself and the relationship is getting serious. Otherwise it can be heard as critical, intrusive, bossy, and insulting. Couples counseling is another good suggestion you can consider for the two of you. Couples workshops are also helpful and even less threatening because you're not the only couple working on your issues with a therapist.

This article has been excerpted from a chapter in my book "The Commitment Cure, What to Do When You Fall for An Ambivalent Man."(Adams Media, 2004) You can buy "The Commitment Cure" at your local bookstore or on Amazon.
4. New York Support Group

The support group that I run in NYC continues to meet on Wednesday nights in my office at 32 Gramercy Park South. If you are interested in becoming a member, please email me at RhondaDCTM@aol.com.

5. Workshop in Atlanta Georgia

I am currently putting together a workshop for the spring in Atlanta, Georgia based on my books, "Don't Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go" and "The Commitment Cure, What To Do When You Fall For An Ambivalent Man". If you live in Georgia and are interested in attending please e-mail me.

6.Speaking Engagements

I will be doing more speaking engagements for corporations, women's organizations and women's associations. The topic I will be speaking about at corporate settings will be:
" Strengthening your Emotional Muscle - How to be more in control of their emotions at the work place.
The topics I will be speaking about at women's organizations and associations include:
" Empowering yourself in your relationships with men
" How to prevent romance from affecting your work and/or career
" Don't call that man! How to survive letting go of a man you've been dating or had a relationship with
" He loves me, he loves me not! How to survive falling for an ambivalent man?
If you work in human resources or involved in a women's organization and would like to have me do a workshop please contact me.

7. Rhonda's Bad Boy Movie Pic "Love The Hard Way"
If you want to see a great independent film about a woman who falls for, becomes fixated on and ties to reform the ultimate bad boy you can't miss "Love The Hard Way!" Adrian Brody is electrifying as the smooth operator, streetwise, con man, with a poet's soul who seduces and falls in love with graduate student Charlotte Ayanna. Brody's perfect characterization as the bad boy/Ambivalent Man will definitely entertain you for a couple of hours. So the next time you want to compulsively Call That Man, pop "Love The Hard Way" into your DVD or VCR, microwave some popcorn and watch this flick instead.
It'll definitely be more gratifying!

I wish everyone a happy and healthy and prosperous 2005.

All Best,
Rhonda