Don't Call That Man!  A Survival Guide To Letting Go

Chapter 6
Things You Think That Keep You Hooked On Him

Sometimes the way a woman thinks about a man can keep her overly preoccupied making it harder for her to let go when the relationship is over.

Idealizing Him
One recurring problem is idealizing an ex – thinking he is perfect and unique – and attributing magical qualities onto him.  If you are ruminating about how incredibly great he is, and how you’ll never find such a perfect specimen of a man again, you’ll never be able to let go and move on.  Try being realistic about him – focus on his flaws if necessary.  Otherwise, letting go will be a never-ending struggle.

When they first met, Brian told Karen he was separated from his wife, but then never brought the subject up again.  One Saturday night, Brian was acting strange.  Finally, after a few glasses of wine and Karen’s prodding, Brian confessed he was thinking of reconciling with his wife.  Karen was devastated.  They saw each other a few more times, but eventually Brian moved back home. Karen never heard from him again.  She forced herself to start dating, but continued to compare every new man to Brian.  After about a year, she came to see me because she felt she was letting opportunities with interesting men pass by, due to her inability to stop thinking about Brian.

WRITING EXERCISES
These writing exercises are designed to help you let go of the past.  You need to write out the answers, then think about them.  This is processing your responses.  Exploring your feelings as you answer the questions is part of the healing process.

• What is it about him that you think is so special or unique?
  
  
• Describe the magical feeling you get with him that you don’t think you will ever get with another man.
  
  
• Describe the qualities he has that you love so much.  List each and every one of them.
  
  
• Have you ever known another man in your past who had some of the qualities your ex possesses that you might have had similar feelings for? Describe him and his qualities here.
  
  
• Are there men in your present life who have some of the qualities your ex possesses that you find attractive?
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• Can you imagine yourself with another man with whom you could feel incredible chemistry?  If so, describe which of his traits you are drawn to.
  
  
• Does the man you are idealizing (your ex) have any faults?  List every one here.
  
  
• Has the man you idealize hurt you?  If so, describe what happened here.
  
  

Last Ride
If you are thinking about how your ex was your last chance to ride off on a white horse with your Prince Charming, you are setting yourself up for ongoing pain.

Thinking you will never meet another man for whom you feel the passion or chemistry as you did with your ex will naturally make it harder for you to let go.  Thinking he was your last chance for love will make you hang onto his ankles (literally or figuratively) as he’s walking out the door.
Your must believe you will find love again.  I have had many patients terrified they will never fall in love again, only to find themselves attracted to someone new when they finally let go of their ex.  Letting go opens up new doors.

There are no excuses about being over 35 or 40 and the small possibility of ever finding a mate!  Thousands of women over 40 get married and start families.

When Brian stopped seeing Karen, she was 43 and terrified that she’d missed her last chance to have a family – her last chance to find true happiness with a man.  But with therapy, and her support group she made up her mind to give herself and life more of a chance.  She joined a dating service, started doing the personal ads, and attending more social functions through her work.  Within two months she met a new man she felt incredible chemistry with, and who also wanted to start a family.

If you are thinking this is your last chance for love the LAST RIDE) answer these questions.

• Have you had an exciting relationship before this man?  If so, describe it here.
  
  
• If you were in love with man before this relationship, describe why you think this relationship was your last chance for love.
  
  
• Does your family or cultural background tell you that after a certain age, it’s hopeless to find love again?
  
  
• If you are feeling particularly hopeless, describe how this feels.  What are the reasons behind your feelings of hopelessness?
  
  
• If your friend were in the same situation, what would you tell her?  Would you be more hopeful for her than you are for yourself?
  
  
• List five people you know who have found love after 40.  Include celebrities if you'd like.
  

Romanticizing
Romanticizing is another way of thinking that keeps you hooked on an ex.  As I discussed earlier, it is important to get in touch with feelings of yearning and longing as part of the process of letting go.  But some women have a tendency to yearn endlessly.  They don’t know when to stop.  It can become masochistic after awhile to continue fantasizing about his coming back to you.

 Sometimes romanticizing is culturally encouraged – listen to all the love songs in which women proclaim they can’t survive without love.  They will do anything to have their man stay with them.  While there is nothing like a good romantic song or movie to get you in touch with your feelings, the gruesome reality is that some women have destroyed their lives for the sake of romantic love.  Sometimes being romantic is more about desperate hope than about reality.  It becomes an escape from the reality that the relationship is really over.

Susan spent a year writing letters and daydreaming about a man she rarely saw.  She was 28 when she met and began dating Dan, a mechanical engineer.  After they had dated a month, Dan got a promotion and transfer to his company’s branch in the Middle East.  When he left, Dan told Susan he would write and try to come back for Christmas.  He wrote once a month.  By contrast, Susan wrote almost a hundred letters to him in a year.  Susan was an artist, an imaginative woman with a rich fantasy life.  She spent hours daydreaming about Dan and about their eventually living together.  Another man asked her out, but although she found him attractive, she turned him down, thinking she should stay devoted to Dan.  She came to see me when she got a letter from Dan telling her he was marrying a woman he met at this job.  She was angry with herself and with Dan for wasting a year of her life.

Round-the-clock fantasizing and daydreaming about a happy romantic reunion with a man who is not there for you is not productive.  Being in a constant state of yearning makes you unavailable to meet new men or open yourself to new experiences.  If you don’t eventually begin to have new experiences, you keep clinging to the past.  Instead, take the energy of the romantic hope that he will come back and channel it to the belief you will meet someone new.

If you are being too romantic to let go, answer these questions:

• Are you very romantic in general? (e.g., you read romance novels, listen to mushy music, love romantic movies . . .).
  
  
• What caused the end of the relationship?
  
  
• Being brutally honest, write about the realistic chances of your getting back together.
  
  
• Would you advise a friend to keep waiting under the circumstances you are going through with your ex?
  
  
• Do you spend an incredible amount of time daydreaming and fantasizing about men and relationships? How many hours? Does it interfere with your work or daily life?
  
  
• Do you spend more time daydreaming about your boyfriend than actually being with him?
  
  
• List the ways you think you may be denying reality and romanticizing the situation.  Be honest.
  
  

Thinking About the Past
Sometimes, in relationships, we do or say things we wish we hadn’t.  If you keep thinking about what you might have done to contribute to your no longer being together, you will drive yourself insane.  You cannot undo what has been done.  Perhaps you made a mistake, but you are human and humans are imperfect.  Instead of obsessing about the past and what you’ve done wrong, focus on learning to forgive  yourself.

Do not call him to try to undo it!  You will just make matters worse, because you may be rejected again, leading to another “I shouldn’t have done that!”  Unfortunately we cannot reverse things that have happened in the past. Learn from the experience and move on.

Trying to undo what’s been done:

• What did you do that you feel regretful about?
  
  
• If you could go back in time, how would you have done things differently?
  
  
• Do you really think that what you did was so detrimental to your relationship?
  
  
• Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?
  
  
• What steps can you take to forgive yourself now?
  
  

If Only
You keep obsessing about the events that led to the end of deterioration of the relationship.  You keep thinking and thinking about how things could have been different and had a happier ending.  If only . . . if only . . . if only . . . You must accept the way life played itself out.  You can make changes in your future life with what you’ve learned from the experience but focusing on the past is only making you frustrated and unhappy. Obsessing about him and the past is a way of controlling your feelings.  You don’t want to feel the pain of the loss, so you obsess as a way of avoiding the painful feelings.  When obsessive thoughts of the past are coming up, try to get in touch with the pain of the loss and go through the grief process.  Allow yourself to cry.  Talk with someone you trust about your feelings. (Not to him!)

Don't' endlessly analyze and intellectualize trying to figure out what happened.  You’re just trying to control the past and what happened. You can’t control him and the past no matter how much you think about it.  Stop the cycle now.  Don’t look back!!!

If only:

• What circumstances that led to the end of the relationship do you keep thinking about?
  
  
• Do you think the circumstances you described were actually the cause of the relationship ending?
  
  
• If you could go back and change circumstances, how would they have been?
  
  
• Now that you’ve imagined how things could have been different, LET IT GO.  Write a happy ending to the way circumstances actually occurred.
  

Perfect Closure
Endings are never perfect! Accept the way the relationship ended and move on.  If you have any urges to contact him to apologize for something you said that was hurtful, or express a feeling, so that you have the perfect closure don't. Don't Call That Man!  You may get rejected or hurt and then you’ll have to go back again to have another perfect closure.  Accept the way the relationship ended with its flaws.  Life isn’t a painting that can be made perfect.  Life is messy and imperfect.  Put your energy into acceptance of the situation and looking towards the future.
Closure:

• What do you imagine would have been the perfect ending?

• Write about the frustration of not having it end the way you would have preferred.
  

Let’s Still Be Friends
After you’ve broken up with a man it’s best NOT to stay friends.  You’re only fooling yourself if you think it’s not going to torture you when he starts telling you about the other women he’s dating.  Why put yourself through the unnecessary frustration and pain?  It’s easier to forget, heal, and move on if you aren’t reminded of your ex by talking to him and hearing what he’s up to.

It’s better to make a CLEAN BREAK! No contact if you can help it.  If you must see him because you work in the same place or have children together try to keep the relationship formal and focused on your job or children.  Work on keeping firm boundaries and maintaining emotional distance when you do have to be in contact with him.

Maybe after you've become involved with another man and a lot of time has passed you can be friends.  I' have known woman who had work or children in common with ex-husbands and boyfriends who were able to form healthy friendships with their ex.

Lets Still Be Friends

• Are you using the wanting to still remain friends as an excuse to try and get back together? Write about your true feelings here.
  

• Have you ever stayed friends with an ex boyfriend? How did it work out?
  

• If you have children with your ex or work with him write about the times you may have to still see him. List ways you can talk and relate to him and still feel safe and not vulnerable to a setback.

THERE IS LIFE AFTER YOUR EX!  Say this out-loud or to yourself a hundred times a day.  You have to give new men a chance.  Stop comparing and you may find new qualities or traits in a man you thought you’d never be attracted to.  You never know what (or who) is around the corner.  You may meet a new man who is different from any other you’ve ever met and find something exciting about him.  A whole new world could open up to you.  A whole new chapter in your life could begin!