Excerpt from:

The Dating Cure

Chapter 19
Tips on Dealing with Difficult Men

Here are some guidelines to help you emotionally protect yourself when dating men who have difficulties with relationships.

If you’re trying to end a relationship with a man who is ambivalent or traumatizing you, then changing your phone number is a way for you to set firm limits and boundaries. There’s nothing wrong with it and in fact, I suggest doing this if you have difficulty saying no to him. Also, you won’t have to know or wonder whether he’s trying to call you.

 

Don’t just take everything a man says to you at face value. If he comes up with a ridiculous reason or excuse for what he says or does, then say something. Don’t set a precedent that you’re a pushover . Let him know from the first date that you’re not a fool, and that you have a mind of your own.

 

His reality may be a case he builds up to support his fear of commitment. For instance, he tells you it’s better to date more than one person at a time or it’s better to see each other on Sunday night rather than Saturday night. That’s his opinion! You don’t have to agree with him. Stick to your own reality.

 

If you’ve been dating exclusively and he wants to start dating other people, don’t do it! Why would you anyway? Aren’t you insulted that he doesn’t want to have sex just with you anymore? His changing the nature of the relationship might mean that he met another woman or just isn’t that interested in you, or can’t sustain a relationship. It’s a waste of your time and will end up traumatizing you. Cut your losses and leave.

 

Catering to a man and being his “love slave” (cooking for him, doing his laundry, giving him money), just makes you look co-dependent unless he is reciprocating all your giving behavior. It’s human nature to take advantage of people. So make sure that you’re not setting yourself up to be exploited and used.

 

Partial relationships are:

Partial relationships are a way for him to get his needs met (sexual, companionship, etc,) without his having to deal with his anxiety or issues about commitment. It’s nothing but a compromise, and you get the raw end of the deal.

 

I know he’s an orphan, his mother left him when he was three, his wife cleaned him out, yada, yada, yada. Although it’s sad and your heart goes out to him, if he dumped you or sees other women behind your back, etc., his traumas are no reason to accept his bad unloving treatment of you. The damage he incurs by other people in his past could be targeted towards you, if it doesn’t go untreated. Although it is beneficial to understand the reason behind the inconsistent rejecting behavior, if you use it to rationalize his bad treatment of you you’re setting yourself up for a wasting a lot of precious time on a man who’s just not going to come through for you.

If a man is in a deep committed relationship with you, with a future and has a traumatic past then it’s appropriate to feel sorry for him and be empathic and understanding. However, if he’s hurting or traumatizing you, refer him to a shrink and wish him luck.

 

I understand how much you may want to be in love and how much you adore the man you’re seeing, but if he starts playing head games with you and is not genuine and authentic about wanting a serious relationship with you:

If a man breaks up with you and wants to just stay friends or have a partial relationship, the relationship will most likely not go anywhere, or completely deteriorate. Get out! Drop him! Don’t let him waste your time, traumatizing you for the next man who’s out there, who may be genuinely looking for a relationship and doesn’t want to waste your time with a self serving arrangement that he wants at his convenience.