Sheila, an attractive twenty-seven year old computer programmer, sat in her apartment staring at the telephone. She yearned to call Tom, a handsome life insurance salesman she had been dating for the past six months.
Initially, Sheila had thought Tom was perfect. He was charming, ambitious, and attentive. Eventually, after a romantic dinner in an expensive French restaurant, Sheila got up the nerve to ask Tom about their future. He heart sank when he said he did not see himself marrying her. He suggested they should start dating other people. Hurt and angry that he didn’t want to marry her, Sheila told Tom she didn’t think they should see each other any more.
Now Sheila felt alone and desperate. She wanted to be with Tom on any terms. His terms. She couldn’t bear the thought of life without him. She felt as if it was all her fault. If only she could undo that conversation, maybe they would still be together. She had to speak to him.
She dialed his number hoping he was home. His answering machine came on. She hung up. She decided to wait and call later. She tried to keep busy doing housework, but she couldn’t stop thinking of him so she went back and dialed again. Again the machine answered. She started dialing every fifteen minutes for over two hours. She knew she was out of control. She was like a junkie writhing in pain for a fix, but she couldn’t seem to help herself. She couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing Tom any more.
We can all relate to Sheila and how she feels, because we have all been through this emotional scenario to some degree. The symptoms are painfully familiar:The fear of losing control, the yearning to hear his voice again. You know your behavior is out of control, yet you are unable to put the brakes on the continuous stream of telephone calls. You don’t know what to do.
What is it that makes us feel our emotional stability is to shaken that we will go to any lengths to get him to come back?Why can’t we just let go?
Let’s look at a few components that lead women down this path. Abandonment is among one of our most primal fears. To be abandoned as a child is to die. A child cannot survive without the nurturing of adults -- depending on our individual histories, that fear remains within us to some degree.
As adults, if we are abandoned by someone to whom we look for love and support, childhood fear of abandonment is triggered. The result is an activation of the childhood fear which, coupled with the present threat of abandonment, can generate intense fear and panic. Our ability to reason rationally may be so affected that all we experience is the terror of the abandonment.
When we feel abandoned, we can feel panic over suddenly being alone, together with a feeling of rejection. These painful feelings can trigger clinging behavior. Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on, not letting go. This can be exemplified by activities ranging from a compulsive phone call to showing up at his apartment or place of work without advance warning. Or writing him a continuous stream of letters,or e mails even though he hasn’t responded to any of your previous contacts.
When a woman is in a clinging state, she can become so desperate she will resort to behavior that is humiliating and bordering on masochistic. Nancy was so upset when her boyfriend wouldn’t see her anymore that she went to his house, fell to her knees, and begged him to take her back. She told me that when she was actually groveling on her knees, she care nothing for her pride or self-respect – all that mattered was her belief that she couldn’t live without him.
Marcy went to her ex-boyfriend’s apartment building and told the doorman to ring his bell upstairs. The ex-boyfriend responded that he didn’t want her to come up. She became distraught and told the doorman she wouldn’t leave the lobby until her boyfriend came down to speak to her. The doorman threatened to call the police, but in her desperation, she wouldn’t leave. Eventually, the police did arrive and she skulked away, terribly humiliated and ashamed.
The pain and humiliation these women endured is not uncommon. Many women, even those you wouldn't suspect perhaps due to their success, fame and/or beauty, have experienced what Marcy, Nancy and Sheila went through.
Wanting to compulsively call your ex or cling to him when you know the relationship is over can serve to mask or anesthetize your feelings of aloneness, hurt, and pain. The same concept applies to women who are presently in a relationship or dating someone new and afraid they’ll never hear from him again. When you compulsively call a man due to your own fear of abandonment, there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline with the anticipation of seeing him or just hearing his voice. But this rush is just a temporary fix. The true road to emotional freedom is to feel the pain of his absence and work through the pain by yourself or with support.
If there is any hope of the relationship being salvaged, or you want to keep the relationship you presently have, then it’s important to remember that desperate clinging behavior causes most men to distance themselves even further. Acting desperate and needy makes you look like you feel unlovable and that you’re grateful any man is paying attention to you.
If a man has his own issues about intimacy and closeness your clinging will make him feel closed in and claustrophobic because he feels has no room to breathe from your relentless trying to get him to prove that he’s not going to leave you Your clinging also makes you look emotionally hungry making him feel that he'll have to endlessly supply you with the reassuring love you're in such desperate need of which seems like a large job for anyone.
Its human nature to have a hard time falling in love with someone who’s bombarding you with phone calls A desperate, clinging woman doesn’t leave a man a chance to long and yearn for her. She s so available he doesn't have the space to fantasize about her or miss her which unfortunately is sometimes what falling in love is all about.
Desperately clinging can lead to a vicious cycle. The more he distances, the more you cling. He distances further, you cling more desperately.
Even with this insight and knowledge, the urge to cling can be irresistible. You know with your rational mind that your behavior isn’t appropriate, but you are driven by a compulsion you feel you can’t control. You feel actual discomfort when you don’t carry out the compulsive act.
What is the healthy thing to do when you’re having a compulsive, irresistible urge to call a man? First, give yourself permission to experience the tension and your feelings. Tolerate them until they pass. And they will pass. Feelings are just temporary. That’s the trick – to feel you feelings, and to not act them out. It will take a great deal of self-discipline and work. It’s easier to feel something, give in to your feelings and act out. Holding in your feelings, experiencing the feelings, and not acting them out is known as containing your feelings.
A warning: You will feel tension when you are in the process of containing your feelings. You’ll probably want relief from the tension because you’ll actually be uncomfortable. This discomfort will drive you to want to call him, because what you want is immediate gratification from the release of tension, Remember however, the anguish and pain you may have to go through if he rejects you, or you don’t get the response you yearn for.
Toni, one of the women in my group, had a list of friends she would call when she was overwhelmed by the urge of wanting to contact her ex-boyfriend. Helen, another group member, would go to a gym and work out when she wanted to make a call. If the gym was closed, she’d just go out and run. Barbara went to the movies. Soon, everyone in my support group had a list of things to do when they got the overpowering impulse to call that man.
It is of paramount importance for you to understand that just because you contain your feelings, you should not prevent yourself from expressing feelings to others. People such as a trusted non-judgmental friend of support group can be especially helpful, as is a qualified therapist. If you absolutely must wing it alone, then do so with the assurance that other women have done it and so can you. Not the best situation, but certainly possible to do.
The whole point of resisting the urge to call a man you have broken up with and share your feelings with him is to avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated. Every time you get rejected you reinforce any feelings of unlovability or desperation you might be struggling with.
And even if he does respond to your call positively, you may feel momentarily comforted and closer to him, but soon the anguish will return, because you’re still not together and then – you’ll have to work through your feelings of loss again, doubling your amount of work.
Going through the pain without him may seem like passing through a crucible of fire, but if you Don't Call That Man, you’ll feel triumphant and confident of your own inner resources.