"Don't Call That Man! is an extremely practical book. It offers many useful ways to handle separation, grief, and rage. It casts such a revealing light on the tendency to pursue the one who has left you that it is impossible to continue begging and arguing for what will not be given. You are reinforced in your search for a new and appropriate partner."
? (Elan Golomb, Ph.D., author of Trapped in the Mirror)

"Rhonda Findling's book, Don't Call That Man!, is an important contribution to helping women understand how critical the mourning process is to succeeding at separation from self-destructive relationships. Ms. Findling understands, from the inside out, how difficult it is to let go of psychological ties to traumatizing parents that are projected onto men in romantic relationships. She helps women to resolve the powerful compulsion to call men who reject them or who are bad for them."
? (Susan Kavaler-Adler, Ph.D, author of The Creative Mystique: From Red Shoes Envy to Creativity)

"A very useful and helpful psychological primer for women in difficult relationships."
? (Richard L. King, M.D., Assistant Clinical professor at NYU Medical Center)

There is life after a failed relationship?as long as you Don't Call That Man! In this inspirational, revolutionary guide to letting go and moving on after the trauma of a breakup, psychotherapist Rhonda Findling teaches women how to triumph over the almost obsessive urge to pick up the phone.

With its prescriptive, easy-to-follow approach, Don't Call That Man! is an indispensable tool for weathering the pain of heartbreak. It features simple exercises that provide an emotional outlet for a difficult process; charts that schedule free time away from the telephone; and much more, including:

• Moving on from a ruined relationship
• What is an ambivalent man, and how do you get over him?
• Mothers, fathers, and men
• Building?and using?a support system
• The 10-Step program to not call that man

Step-by-step, from heartache to healing, Don't Call That Man! is a map on how to heal the pain of a lost love; how to overcome feelings of neediness and desperation; and above all, how to regain focus on what's important?and it's not calling that man. It's the perfect book to embrace on the way to a new and more gratifying relationship.

Here is a Los Angeles Times article from Rhonda's recent book tour appearance:

That Man of Mine
He's no good for us. Still we want to call . . .
and tell him off. Or whatever. Oh the temptation!
But we must resist, and here's just the 10-step
program.

By MARTIN MILLER, LA Times, Thursday, November 18, 1999.

Have you ever felt an uncontrollable urge to call a man, but you knew deep down it was a bad thing to do?

Well, I've been there. And let me tell you it would have helped if I had New York psychotherapist Rhonda Findling's new book, "Don't Call That Man!" (Hyperion, 1999). She's giving a talk in town today, but more on that later.

In her book, she recounts how she and some of her clients have had big, big trouble letting go of relationships with "handsome, charming, articulate" men who were nevertheless emotionally unavailable. Tell it, sisters!

Actually, my situation was a little different. My obsession centered on a "that man" who was fat, stupid, balding and not very articulate. But on the plus side, he was completely emotionally available. I guess we can't always choose whom we obsess about.

I remember many lonely nights when I'd stare at the phone. (If only I had that symbol of a phone with a red slash mark through it as pictured on Findling's book cover!) I wanted to call that man so badly, but I knew it was wrong.

Ultimately, temptation got the best of me and I called that man! It was like a fantasy come true. I dialed that man's number.

That man said, "Hello?"

Then I said: "Is your refrigerator running?"

"Yes."

"Well, maybe you could catch it if you weren't so inarticulate. No, wait, I mean stupid!"

Then, I got scared and hung up, but my point was made. I was sky-high until the next morning when I arrived at work. Apparently, that man--my boss--had caller ID and I paid the price. That man summarily fired me.

I cursed how weak I was, but Findling's book has since offered me hope and, more important, a program to stop me from ever calling that man or any of his friends again. She presents a 10-step (not 12, as is so overdone these days) plan to put the kibosh on calling that man!

All the steps are helpful and many make good sense to practice all the time--like the step that reminds us that "feelings and urges" don't last forever. I like to think about that when I'm having a good time. In addition to her top 10 list, Findling also supplies a list of 50 things to do instead of calling that man!

The list includes: staying on the phone with friends all night, going to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, taking a long, hot bath and calling a therapist. (But not necessarily in that order!)

Those are all good suggestions, but there was one that floored me. I'm getting dewy-eyed as I type it. "Play with children and be open to their unconditional love." I'd love to, but they so often run screaming at my approach.

The 10 steps and 50 suggestions, however, just treat the symptoms. For the cure, you have to think about your relationship with Mommy and Daddy. I tried to do this, but decided to take a long, hot bath instead.

Findling's three-hour talk is slated for 6:30 tonight at the Wyndham Garden Hotel, 5990 Green Valley Circle, Culver City. The admission fee is $24 for members of the Learning Annex and $39 for nonmembers.

For more information, call the Learning Annex at (310) 478-6677, but don't call that man!

From Newsday - Tuesday, December 28, 1999

How many times must a woman fall in love with the wrong man? He's an abuser, a cheater, already married or just doesn't want to get married. His shortcomings may be plain as day, but for many women that doesn't make it any easier to let go, once they've made that fateful leap into emotional dependence.

In "Don't Call That Man!" author Rhonda Findling draws upon her personal and professional experience to help readers find the inner strength to move on , whether from an unhealthy relationship or the trauma of a recent breakup.

A psychotherapist from Forest hills, Findling is an expert on relationships and offers advice on how to constructively mourn the loss of a love and get on with life. With written exercises, she helps readers uncover their personal reasons for staying hooked on a man, and offers concrete suggestions for breaking the compulsive chain.

Even the most financially self-sufficient women have found themselves groveling at one point in their lives because they are afraid to let go. But Findling stresses there is life after a failed relationship and you don't have to be afraid of being alone. There are effective ways to weather the pain of rejection with your pride and self-esteem intact. Not only will you survive, she says, you might even meet someone more suited to you.

To that end, the book includes helpful hints for schedualing free time away from the telephone, tips on identifying and dealing with ambivalent men, ways to avoid obsessive behavior, recommendations for jump-starting your social life again and guidance on surviving a setback. She's even included a 10 step program and a series of charts and checklists designed to make sure you don't call that man!

Debbe Geiger